Brainiac 5's Lame Vacation
by mudling
Summary: Brainiac goes on vacation and gets kidnapped. This is supposed to be sort of making fun of a lot of stories.


**Characters:** Brainiac 5, Drax, Superman, Superman X

**Universe/Time Period:** animated universe

**Summary:**uhm. He goes on vacation and gets kidnapped.

**Notes:** watching the Phantoms episode on veoh might help refresh your memory on who the hell Drax is.

"I'll be back quickly," he said, giving his teammates a stern look. Workers were loading his project onto the cruiser as he 'said his goodbyes', as Superman referred to it. Clark was there, but he was relieved to see that his clone from the 41st century was no where in sight. "Don't destroy my lab."

Lightning Lad grimaced, "You know that never happens on purpose." Brainiac already had reconstruction schedules made for the inevitable.

Clark pushed forward and took his green hands in his own. "Don't be nervous," he told him in a painfully, ridiculously stupid manner. Kell-el wouldn't have projected bizarre thoughts of vacation onto him, but then he wouldn't hold his hands like this either.

"I'm not nervous," Brainiac replied frankly. "At all. I don't get nervous when I give a speech." Normally he'd mock someone for thinking that he of all people, would be nervous, but Superman said it with such…honesty that it stopped him short.

"But if you do," Clark insisted, "Just remember to take your time. You can always sip water to give yourself a moment."

At least he didn't say the thing about picturing everyone naked, he reflected dryly. "I'll do that." His cheeks always felt strangely warm when Clark was trying his best to be helpful.

The conference was going on a for a solid week, but Brainiac's presentation on tactical transmatter usage would only last an hour, an hour and half at most depending on the question and answer session afterwards. He would only stay a day at most. Normally he didn't attend these in the first place, but they'd all insisted and harassed him about it for days. He was 98.07 certain it was Superman's doing. Some insanity about him needing a well-deserved vacation. He did_deserve_ a vacation but he didn't _need_ a vacation.

"Comm me if anything comes up," he reiterated the mantra he'd been instilling in them since he'd given into their harassment.

"We know, Brainy," they replied in unison.

It had, of course, occurred to him that this was more their vacation than his, that they wanted a day to run amok and do inane things without him being a "wet blanket", as Superman referred to it.

So now he was on a ship, thankful he'd triple checked the security settings.

The presentation went as planned. Perfect. Being not entirely a person made it so that the technical problems that frequented other presenters wasn't an issue for him. Questions were appropriately answered, though he had to repeat it a few times. He was used to brushing off questions with the reminder that he was a Coluan with a 12th level intelligence. However, in a forum like this, it was expected that he explain his reasoning. He didn't mind explaining, since these were scholars that were actually making an effort to listen. A feeble monkey effort but an effort nonetheless.

Afterwards, he called back to headquarters.

"Everything's fine. We had a small scuffle, someone trying to hijack a verllium deposit transport," Lightning Lad told him, almost proudly. "So if you want to stay another day, it wouldn't be a problem."

"No, I'm coming back."

Lightning Lad made a face and once again Brainiac remembered that they were probably having fun doing things he found obnoxious. "Well there is a seminar on Titan's new theoretical-"

"See! There, go to that… that thing!"

Brainiac nodded, his face blank. "Yes, all right. See you tomorrow."

-------

Phantom Girl found the Winathi rubbing his chin. "What's up, Garth?"

"Uhm. I don't know. I told Brainy that everything was great and he could stay for the day but… he seemed kind of sad? Maybe."

The president's daughter sat down on the console. "Hmm. Maybe he wants to come home?"

"What? No way. As much as we bother him all the time?"

She squinted at Lightning Lad, "You're the one who said he looked sad."

"Yeah but no one should really listen to me, right?" he replied, pushing at her a little. "Come on, let's go eat."

---------

The hotel room was nice. Very nice. But it wasn't his lab. It was built for people that only spent a brief time in their room, people that went and got very drunk and…danced. It was not built for introverted Coluans that spent their spare time processing battle tactics or building quantum generators. Was it bad that he was hoping something massive would attack and he'd be called back?

He was thinking about this when the balcony side of his very nice room with its very nice view exploded.

Brainiac got his shields up just in time to take the brunt of the damage but it still sent him backwards off the bed. Automatically he was sending out a signal to the tower that he was under attack but it wasn't getting through.

"Hello, little robot."

Before he had even spoken Brainiac 5, of course, had already recognized Drax Zod, the Kryptonian born in the Phantom Zone. They'd most definitely sent him back into the Phantom Zone so why he was out and causing havoc was a very good question.

Not good. Drax was just as powerful as either Superman, and lacked the weakness to Kryptonite of Clark. However, he did seem to like to talk and be theatrical, something which might get him a moment to retreat.

"No, no," he drawled, with a dramatic flare that grated on his nerves, "Don't think you're going anywhere," he said activating something in his hands which his sensors didn't like but couldn't define.

And then everything went black.

--------

His systems came back online. This was also not good. Drax apparently had access to something that could disrupt his circuits enough to force him to shutdown in defense. Not a virus, he surmised from the self diagnostic. His power seemed greatly depleted… Too depleted to convert to his larger, battle mode form.

Now for his surroundings. A room. Not a cell, really, too nicely furnished. This could be in a private residence. Feeling out with his sensors told him nothing. Something blocking it. This could also be a ship…He felt the floor. There was the telltale subtle sound and feel of gravity compensation devices. Ok, a ship.

There was an array of things that looked like lights. Siphons, that explained the power drain.

"I see you're awake, little robot," Drax grabbed him about the neck up from where he'd been on the couch.

Oh. Not good at all. His sensors weren't even picking up when Drax was in the same general vicinity as him. Brainiac didn't squirm, squirming was silly up against someone of Superman's strength. He was thinking.

Drax, as he'd noted before, wasn't wearing what he'd seen him in during their previous encounter, suggesting he'd been out of the Phantom Zone long enough to go shopping. So. New ship, new clothes.

"How did you get out of the Phantom Zone?"

As he thought, Drax's arrogance and drama made him reply. Powerful but not experienced. And, Brainiac reasoned, being trapped in a strange zone with no one your own age made one talkative. "Rather interesting story," he began tossing him onto a bed. "There I was, floating about in Hell, and this large fellow in red and yellow lets me out. Imperiex. Says he was able to build a Phantom Zone projector of his own. I wasn't really listening, I'm out, that's all that matters." He said, his sharp teeth biting a glove to pull it from his hand as he spoke. He hadn't figured out how to get clothing on and off instantaneously yet then. "

"He thinks I'm quite useful. We both thought it'd be best if you were out of the way since the others obviously can't find their asses without you. Your little vacation gave us plenty of time."

"And now?" Brainiac asked, picking at the edge of a pillow with disdain for the garish pattern.

"Now, I'm going to see if you I make a Coluan cry or not." Drax was having a hard time getting his shirt off. "I heard you have tearducts, but you don't use them."

Brainiac 5 stared at him for a long beat. "You horrendous ape," he said, simply astonished by the other's stupidity. "Don't be absurd."

Drax smiled, "You can call me anything you like, you're too weak to fight me off, aren't you? And I can't think of anything worse to do-"

"There are, literally billions of things that are worse," Brainiac replied bluntly, his voice still astounded. He was so utterly annoyed and condescending that Drax's lascivious smile faltered.

"What, you want me to torture you instead? Trust me, that's coming." He was trying to threaten but it was obvious he was a little put off now.

"No it's not," he replied. He wasn't sure if he was capable of getting a "headache", but he was certain this would be a cause. "I almost believed you for a moment. Imperiex has no idea you have me, does he? No one does. Or you'd be trying to get passcodes and battle tactics and all manner of things out of me."

He got a silent stare in return form the Kryptonian.

"Are you really so emotionally stunted that you're going to pass off your sexual desire for me as some sort of humiliation act upon a hated enemy? I'm not your," Brainiac used air quotes here, "'nemesis'. Superman is."

"I'm trying to hurt Superman by doing this!" Drax yelled, his face flushing. "Knowing his little friend was violated will destroy h-"

"And you just happened to take me and not one of the others, one of the more easily obtained Legionnaires? One that actually leaves the tower on occasion? I have a 12th level intelligence. Do you understand? You are not going to argue your way out of your stupidity. Why you bothered to lie to a captive in the first place is mind-boggling enough… what, did you think I'd make fun of you for being gay while you assaulted me?"

Drax stared more, eyes wide.

"Let me explain this to you since you seem incapable. Normal Coluans," he held up his hand, a projection of a regular Coluan visible, "Look like this. Do I look like this? No. I am fucking adorable. Especially to Kryptonian males."

"Wh…what?"

"Shut up and listen, idiot. I look like this because I choose to, because while researching Krypton I found the features most appealing to Kryptonian males in other males. Small stature, blonde hair, my facial structure, even the sound of my voice are all calibrated to be exceptionally attractive in Kryptonian culture."

"Wh…." Drax sort of stared off, a hand going to his mouth.

"When we fought you even fought me like you would a girl, backhanding me, tossing me around. Very sexist. I should have realized then what your issue was. So, after we stuffed you back into your horrid little prison, you couldn't stop thinking about me, is that it?" Brainiac's voice was icy. This was ludicrous. He was never leaving the tower again. "After months of having bizarre masturbatory dreams where you're being violent and making me cry out cutely, you realized you could put your filthy monkey genitals into me and make me cry out that way. Disgusting fantasies where you'd assault me and then, and this is where it gets good, you'd have some sort of magical guilt where you develop feelings for me. And then I, through a combination of nonsense and Stockholm Syndrome, some how come to return your feelings and offer to save you from your association with Imperiex. Is that about right?"

Drax was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.

"I thought so. Now. While we've been discussing how stupid you are, I was able to realign my forcefields enough to confuse your little siphon devices. Gaining me enough power to call for assistance. Legionnaires will be- well they're here now."

A thump above them told him a Superman or two had settled on the hull of the ship. "You might be strong enough for one Superman, but I don't think you can handle two. Now." he laced his fingers and set them over a bent knee. He still didn't have enough power to move about very much on his own so this next bit was important. "We have 50 seconds for them to find this room. And find you shirtless and me on a bed."

Drax pulled his clothing on at super speed and then reached to pick up Brainiac. He saw him staring around, trying to figure out how to make this not look gay.

"Since I don't feel like getting concerned sobs and mothering for weeks on end, how about you tie me up, I'll pretend to be knocked out, and you take me to the bridge. Or to a maintenance room, anyplace that doesn't look like a young couple's trendy apartment. And then my scary Supermans won't try to rip various soft bits off of you. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Also, if you have any incriminating holo simulations, now's a good time to delete them."

------------

"Brainy, are you all right? Did he hurt you?"

On the way home, Querl squinted a little, pressing his face to Clark's chest. Clark was carrying him about and Clark always carried him bride style. "Ah, no, I just feel a bit tired. I just need a recharge. I was barely captured, really."

Kell-el was standing by, looking awkward. "We shouldn't have let you go without an escort. Next time I'll come with you." His voice was quiet which told Querl he was at his least-grouchy and most empathetic. And the most vulnerable.

Brainiac 5 made his cheeks flush the few degrees that made him look his most adorable. "Really? I'd appreciate that." He was fairly certain that when Superman's clone flustered and mumbled before leaving that he'd succeeded in his maneuver.

"But not too soon, right? I missed you a lot." Clark squeezed him a little and Brainiac 5 settled against him for the trip home. He supposed this wasn't all a waste then.


End file.
